Wherin I talk about my feelings.
Nested Feelings specifically.
[Marginally Musical Intro]
Do you ever get that feeling of an overhanging mass? Kind of like being underneath something? But it’s not claustrophobia. A combination of claustrophobia and acrophobia I guess. But it’s not necessarily fear! It’s more a thrill, an anticipation, a kind of joy! It’s this…
A feeling of a staircase wrapping around the outside of a tower… on the outside… the exterior staircase kind of feeling.
Or, something where, you’re in a room that’s… I don’t know what you call it but it’s… it’s… louvered (Editor’s note, this is not the right word at all. I probably meant “cantilevered” ) out over the edge of something, like, uh, like those windows… Dormer windows (Yes, this is what I was thinking of) maybe? Well, anyway, it’s where you’ve got this, an area that’s safe, that’s enclosed, like a staircase or a walkway, a catwalk, that has a feeling of safety to it, but is situated in a place that is precarious.
I think maybe this kind of vertiginous kind of “perched on the edge of something… safe” feeling, maybe is heightened by repeated nesting frames? Like, you’ve got a person sitting on a beanbag chair say. So that’s a safe place right? The bean bag chair is kind of wrapping around you, you’re not going to fall out, you’re kind of slouched there, reading a book or something. But then this beanbag chair is on a balcony, and it’s one of those, not a heavy thick balcony, but one of those balconies that’s concrete, that’s maybe two inches thick, and it’s cantilevered (See! That’s the word I was looking for!) way out, it’s got, maybe, a low railing on it. So there’s a person in a beanbag chair, on this precarious balcony.
And then( just the way I’m visualizing this) the camera kind of, keeps pulling out, right? And so they’re on this balcony. And so it’s like “safe place, but in a dangerous place”. But it keeps pulling out and it’s like “Oh, it’s actually in part of a house.” So there’s a whole house that’s constructed in this way… It’s got modern architecture or something, and so it’s like, okay, so it’s a balcony, but it’s not hanging over anything dangerous. Maybe there’s an area a couple feet further down. This person is safe. It’s actually in a safe place. If they fell off the balcony somehow, they would be alright.
But then, you pull out further, and this whole house is perched on the edge of a cliff! Or maybe overhanging a cliff! Or on a jutting spit of rock, hanging, out in space somewhere. And it’s like “Oh gosh! Oh no, it’s actually precarious again!” And then, but maybe this is over… a beautiful meadow! and so it’s like, okay, you pull out and it’s like “oh jutting spit of rock, the house could fall off at any moment… but it would fall into a meadow. Aww, it’s really nice. Okay then, that’s not so bad.”
But then this meadow is actually one of those “hanging valleys” in glacial valleys, where you’ve got a main valley that’s been carved out by glacier, and then a side valley that’s coming into the same area, but the glacier was much further up, so the valley just kind of ends into this sheer cliff! And so, not only do you have like, a spit of rock, sticking out over a little meadow, but the meadow is, itself, on the edge of this gargantuine cliff that’s going down to a huge… but of course, hanging meadows go over glacier valleys. And so you’ve got this thing going over a valley, but the valley is kind of sloped at the bottom. It’s not like a sheer drop into the ocean or something. But maybe the valley does run into the ocean!
And so, like, you keep pulling out, and of course we’re on a planet that’s in the middle of space, you know, just, like, hanging in space and not doing anything. Is that the safest thing? Or the most precarious thing?
Maybe THAT’s the feeling! Of not really knowing, of the uncertainty of “Am I safe or not? I don’t know!” And like XKCD talked about, being suspended over the molten core of the earth, just a few miles down from our feet. It’s like, “Oh no! I’t’s not safe!” But it is safe, because there’s all this ground beneath you. But the ground could move at any moment! Earthquakes and stuff!
So that’s the… like that… Maybe that’s where that feeling comes from. It’s an interesting thing! And I’ve had this feeling for a long time, not continuously, but consistently. It keeps coming back, this kind of “Huh… I AM safe, but I’m also always in danger.” And I think it’s because, maybe, because it’s true! We are always, ultimately, safe. God is good, and He takes care of us. We’re safe. Nothing Really Bad can happen to us. But we’re also always in danger because God is just nuts! Like, God will do anything for the fun of it! And it’s like, how can you tell? I don’t know!
And we are nuts too! We get into situations that, it’s like, and God must be slapping himself on the forehead going “What on Earth is this person thinking? How can they live this way?” You know, like, right on the edge of this catastrophe that’s just waiting to happen if they make a mistake.
And so, uh, maybe it’s a really true emotion and that’s why it keeps coming back. Or maybe it’s just a quirk of my psyche, that I have this weird twinge in conjunction… with these particular emotions in conjunction together. Or juxtaposition. Anyway, I thought it was interesting enough to share.
This has been the Paul Spooner Podcast. I am Paul Spooner, and I don’t think I’ll play you out this time… I think it will just be fading off into silence…